The ugly cry

 Who would have thought starting this blog would evoke so many emotions.  Not only did I start this blog on January 7, 2023, I also started to get serious about my health and fitness on January 3, 2023.  I know it's a lot at once but I've got this! 

I was on the treadmill yesterday at home and about 11 minutes in, I start crying.  Not the silent one tear roll down the cheek cry, but the can't breathe, snotty, water rushing out like a faucet cry.  I have been on such a high from pushing that publish button on Saturday, realizing that I finally did what I was supposed to so many years ago and that all of the reasons I couldn't write that book still exist.  All of the hurt from my childhood was pushed to the surface.  All of those things I have never acknowledged were close to the surface.  It was a lot!! I took a minute and then decided I shouldn't let my heart rate go back down (insert eye roll) so I got back on and finished.  I cried again afterwards and it was done.  I needed that cry more than I knew.  I felt like that little girl who held it in because I had to be strong all of those years finally had permission to have her moment.  If you need to, have the cry! 

I have decided that Tuesday and Thursdays to start are going to be scheduled blog days after work. The intent of my blogging time today was to talk to my Aunt Linda to get some dates and facts about my mom that I was unsure of and then start to write about her today.  She was unclear about some things I wanted to write about so she recommended I call my brother.  It's been a while since we have spoken and I am asking him a ton of questions.  He asks me jokingly if I am writing a book and I say no, a blog.  We spoke for over two and a half hours.  We had a few tense moments, we laughed and cried.  That conversation was so needed. I have never been so open and honest with him about how I felt about so many things.  It was so good and I am emotionally drained, but in a good way.  

I wanted to create this for you.  For people to hear stories they can relate to and understand that they are not alone. That we are all capable of great things.  That our past does not define who we are or what we are capable of becoming.  That every day we wake up is a day for a fresh start. I am quickly finding out that as much as I want to inspire and support you, I need to do this for me to heal and to grow.  

 Thank you for taking this journey with me.