Doris Jean - the last part

Sean I and finally reach our destination in California. We had an apartment in West Pittsburg.  It was pretty nice and I couldn't wait to get settled.  It didn't take long since we had barely anything to furnish it.  I am not sure why we didn't bring my bed from Delaware but we didn't.  We had a chair from Ikea, a T.V. stand and lamp his dad gave us, a T.V. and microwave my mom bought for us, and a few decorative items.  That was it!  We were so excited that we actually had an apartment in California, we didn't care that it had nothing in it.  That is until we had a visitor. A friend from Delaware took off an entire month to come to visit.  I totally think she was thinking she was in for the 90210 experience. I didn't have a job at that time and we were living off of an Airman's salary.  We were broke!  We ended up sharing the one chair and she had to sleep on the floor.  Not exactly the California lifestyle she expected. I remember her saying to me, you don't even have condiments. She ended up using her spending money on the laundry mat, ice cream, and other food items.  We were so bored that I remember one occasion where we actually fought over the color of Bamm-Bamm Flinstone's hair.  One said blonde the other said white.  We had a neighbor that lived below us and he would play really good music so we would go into the second bedroom of the apartment and lay on the floor and listen to his music.  I know she couldn't wait to get the hell out of dodge!  We moved to temporary base housing in Vallejo until our permanent housing was available on Treasure Island.  Talk about a beautiful place to call home, WOW! I will tell you more about my California experience in a future blog but it's time to get back to Doris Jean.  

My brother would call me to give me updates and I feel like every time he called it just got worse and worse. I dreaded the calls.  He would tell me that they wanted him to sign a DNR if anything were to happen to her.  Her bones were pretty brittle at this point.  She was on dialysis 3 times per week, she was just falling apart.  I am very thankful to my brother and his wife for taking care of our mom during her sickest time. The thing about Doris Jean is that she would get so sick, go into the hospital, kick butt, get out of the hospital, and be ok, this went on for a good year or so. 

I was working at a daycare on Treasure Island on June 14, 1994.  Sean was deployed at the time.  I remember the Director of the daycare came into the classroom and said I had a call.  We weren't permitted to take calls so instantly my heart dropped.  She had a white cordless phone in her hand and asked me to step out of the classroom.  It was my brother, he said mom is gone, she died. I remember saying no, that's not right, no, no, no, and I threw that cordless phone, dropped to my knees, and let out a cry that I have never heard come out of me before.  I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I was lost.  When I finally got myself together there were about 12 women surrounding me crying, hugging me, and just there for me.  

I go back to my apartment on Treasure Island with a friend from daycare.  Sean is deployed, there is no e-mail at this time so the only way to get him a message was through the Red Cross.  I didn't have the money to get back home and I didn't want to tell anyone back home so the Red Cross ended up paying for my airfare. I barely got any sleep the day she died.  I do know I dosed off at some point as that is where I saw the book cover with her name on it with a sunflower wrapped around a cross.  I remember this message of you need to tell her story, she is one of a kind, it will help people, she is a light.  And that my friends is where the idea for the blog came from!        

Everything is such a blur surrounding her funeral.  I chose not to go to her viewing as I did not want to see her dead. I wanted to remember her the way I left her when I left for California.  In retrospect, if I had to make that decision again, I may have gone to her viewing.  I still have mixed emotions about that decision.  It had been a couple of days since I sent that message via Red Cross to Sean. I had no idea where he was or if he even got that message.  I remember sitting at the cemetery her casket is in front of me and I am completely numb, exhausted, and devastated.  I look up and I see Sean walking up the lane of the cemetery.  He had his white uniform on, my mom's favorite. My dad had picked him up at the airport, he made it just in time.  I literally thought I would pass out.  Tears were just flowing down my face. I could not process all of the emotions I had been through over the past few days.  I knew at that moment that I could breathe, that the place I felt the safest was anywhere Sean was and I was comforted by that.  I was so thankful he was there, so thankful.

After the service, Sean and I went to my dad's house.  He was out in his garage crying. He told me that my mom was the best thing that ever happened to him.  That she was a good woman and she didn't deserve all that he put her through.  He told me he was sorry, sorry for everything and we just cried together and hugged.  Going back to California was hard but I was ready.  Sean had put in orders to Patuxent River, MD., as it was one of the closest Naval bases to Delaware. I wanted to be close to Doris Jean because her health was declining so quickly.  She passed in June and we made it to Patuxent River in September.   

Don't worry, there is still so much to share about Doris Jean, the lessons she taught me, that BOLDNESS, I always speak of came from her.  She always told me to Be BOLD!  Be respectful honey but be BOLD!  My mom loved Jesus and she believed in HIM without a doubt.  She read her bible every day and knew it like the back of her hand.  She wasn't pushy about God and certainly never judged people for not believing. Her biggest message was that you are loved by HIM, you are not alone in this world and you are a child of God and you will always be loved no matter what.  I remember when my mom was moving out of the double-wide to go live with my brother, I was helping her pack.  I found a letter she had written to the actor Rock Hudson in of all places her underwear drawer.  The letter said that she always liked his acting and liked him.  She was sorry that he had to live a double life and that God saw who he was and knew his heart. I just remember the letter being so sweet, not judgemental and so loving.  That is who she was.  You always felt better walking away from a conversation with her because you knew her heart and those words always came from a place of love. She was a truth-teller in the most uplifting way possible. 

Doris Jean, you are my girl, my heart. The things you have taught me and instilled in me will never be taken from me.  I can only pray that I honor you and your beautiful spirit in a way that makes you proud.  Life was never easy for you but you laughed, danced, prayed, and smiled your way through it all.  Mom, I love you so much, I miss you so much it makes my heart ache at times.  I would love to sit and talk with you now as I am a 50-year-old woman who has a 20-year-old son that you would adore.  It makes me sad that you didn't have the chance to love him, to give him that amazing Godly advice he needed at times when I fell short on the delivery.  Doris Jean, I honor you with this blog.  It is just like me, it should of been a book but nah, I am doing it my way.  I am BOLD mom, boy am I!  I love you.